Talking about sex! Is it worth it?
The well-being of a couple's sexual life largely depends on mutual understanding between the two. Don't be shy about talking to each other about it. Discussing the details of intimate life will require tact and a willingness to listen to the other.
In the evening they meet at home, and Anton admires Nastya: she is so attractive in this new dress! Later in bed, he quietly begins to caress her. Not meeting a response, he whispers: "Do you want?" And Nastya has had a hard day, she wants to relax, and she has just immersed herself in reading a detective story...
A classic episode from the life of a couple. What is it – a difference in sexual rhythms? Routine leading to loss of desire? Or an inability to talk about intimate topics? Family psychotherapists are inclined to the latter option. “You can love each other for years and experience moments of the greatest pleasure in sex, constantly discovering something new in yourself and in the other… if the partners have managed to establish sexual communication,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “And vice versa, by hiding their dissatisfaction, not showing desires, partners complicate their lives and may begin to avoid intimacy.”
The recipe for well-being is to learn to talk freely about sex. For example, to start a conversation with the word “I” and not “you.” There are no demands in our words – and as a result, it is easier for our partner to hear us. So, if Anton had asked the question differently (“I want it, and you?”), Nastya would not have felt pressured and could have sincerely answered: “Yes, I want it, but not now.” Or: “No, I’m tired. Let’s do it later or tomorrow morning…”
Why are we silent?
"Talk about intimate topics"... It's easy to advise, but not so easy to implement. "When we touch on some details of our sex life in conversation, we both feel awkward and try to make such phrases humorous," notes Fedor. "I still haven't managed to find the right words to explain to Andrey what kind of caresses I like," Vika is annoyed. "I don't dare say no if I don't want sex, and I'm angry at my husband that he doesn't feel it himself," admits Maria. Where does such "muteness" come from in a couple that is united by physical intimacy?
“Russia has its own mythology of love,” says family psychotherapist Anna Varga. “Many people think that lovers should understand each other without words. And if we have to talk, it means we don’t love each other. It’s scary to talk about differences at all, because the myth assumes their absence.” In addition, in our cultural tradition, talking about sex is not accepted at all. “The parents of most of us never talked to us about sex,” explains clinical psychologist Yakov Kochetkov. “And we didn’t ask them questions, assuming that there was something shameful behind this topic. As a result, we simply don’t have the skill to talk about it, and the vocabulary related to this side of our lives is very poor.”
